菊の季節にサクラが満開

2008-10-17 (金)
- 或る日常の風景/学級日誌

かつて皐月賞の後6ヶ月の長期休養明け。無謀とも言えるぶっつけ本番で菊花賞に挑んだサクラスターオーが直線で力強く抜け出したとき、 関西テレビのアナウンサー杉本清は「菊の季節に桜が満開!菊の季節に桜!サクラスターオーです」という名言を残した。

2002年に初めて神奈川県を受験して以来、苦節7年。
どれだけこの瞬間を待ち望んだことか。

東京都教員採用候補者名簿に登載されました。
実力なんかじゃない。みなさんが長年飽きもせず暖かく応援してくれた結果であると、今はただ、ただ感謝の念でいっぱいです。

合格発表当日。
朝起きるといつになく落ち着いている自分に気付いた。例年インターネットで受験番号をチェックして(また、なかった………)と落胆することを繰り返していた。
今年はせっかくだからと東京都庁まで見に行くことにした。

電車に揺られつつ新宿へ。さすがに緊張感が高まってきた。
色々考える。先日、S本氏と会った際「ここ1週間、不合格を知って呆然とする夢をよく見る」と話すと、

「(例え不合格だったとしても)進む方向は違っても、進む距離が違うわけじゃない。

暖かい励ましの言葉を貰い、それ以来、事あるごとにこの言葉を思い出すようにしていた。
不合格でも別に命を取られるわけじゃない。だから緊張することのほどでもない……。そう頭では理解しているものの体は正直なものだ。
極度に緊張すると胸がきゅうと詰まる感覚になる。息が詰まる感じ。そしてその緊張感は新宿駅から都庁までの道で最高潮。鞄を持つ手は痺れて力が入らない。 真っ直ぐ前を見ているつもりなのに目に入る視界はまるで白飛びのように薄明るくなって、人混みの中で何度も人にぶつかりそうになった。

不合格だったとしても「今年も番号なかった。人生\(^o^)/オワタ」と笑い飛ばすことも出来た。
けれど一方で思う。今年の2次試験は予備校にも行き、例年になく対策を立ててきた。そして最高のデキだったと自負している。 これでダメだったら……来年はどう改善すればよいのか皆目見当もつかない。これで不合格だったら諦め時かもしれない。
ただもう一方で考える。それほど過去最高のデキならどんだけ最悪でも「臨時的任用教職員採用候補者名簿」(拾わない神参照)には載るだろう。 無職やニートには厳しいこのご時世に、話が来るかすら判らないのに無職になっていなければならない最悪な制度だが、幸いにも自分は無職。1年間今の仕事を続けながらゆっくりと待つのも悪くない。
朝起きたときの不思議の落ち着きは、恐らく後者の余裕があったからだと思う。

都庁第二本庁舎 map.場所が判らず迷った……

都庁第二本庁舎に紙が貼られたボードがたくさん並べてある一角があった。数人が内容を熱心に読んでいた。
(ここに違いない………)
そう直感した。近づいてみると果たしてその通りだった。
この時に心臓はバクバクと飛びださんとばかり……と書きたいところだが、実は発表が掲示されている場所がどこか判らず(※1)散々歩き回ったため、もう疲れていた

(※1)どこか判らず……見に行こうと思い立ったのは家を出る直前だったから。事前調査ゼロ。

極度に緊張する場面では事前に激しい運動をするのがよいかもしれない。疲れてもうどうでもよくなるから。
名簿登載者受験番号一覧にさっと目を走らせて自分の受験番号を捜す。

名簿登載者受験番号一覧 fig.あった

………………あ、あった( ゚д゚)ポカーン

人間信じられない光景を目の当たりにすると呆然とするらしい。まさか自分の番号が本当に見つかるとは。 嬉しいというよりこれは現実だろうか。俄に信じがたかった。
次の瞬間、じわじわと胸の底から嬉しさが込み上げてきた。"嬉しさが込み上げる"って、本当に胸から頭に向かって上がってくんだなって思った。 掲示板の前で、声も上げず1人じっと目をつぶって、押し寄せてくる喜びをかみしめた。

周囲には自分の受験番号を確認するなり「よしっ!」と拳を振り下ろして喜ぶ男性や、かなり年配の方が自分(孫?)の番号をカメラに収めている姿などが、ちらほらと見受けられた。
どこぞの大学の合格発表のように掲示板の前で抱き合って喜び合ったり、万歳三唱する姿や、胴上げするシーンはさすがになかった。都庁ですから。

自分の受験番号があることが本当に信じられなかった。
そして突如、朝メモって来た受験番号は正しい番号なのだろうか……急に不安になった。それなりに確認してメモってきたつもりだったが、本当に今年の番号かどうか自信がなくなった。 とりあえず親に電話したものの「たぶん……受かっていると思うんだけど……」なんともあやふやだった。

この日は親に電話しただけで、他は誰にも連絡しなかった。後で(ミスリードでした。うははは。)と訂正を入れて回るのはなんとも情けなかったから。 翌朝に何人かにメールを送った後でも、通知が届くが来るまでは不安は拭いきれなかった。

「希望は持ち続ければ、いつか必ず叶う」
という人がいる。
確かにそれはそうなのだろうが私はこの言葉を安易に使いたくない。この言葉は所詮結果論としか思えないし、勝者の傲りのような雰囲気すら感じるから。

……そして実は、まだ採用が決まったわけでもなんでもないのです。まだまだ中間点。

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